She looked at me as if I’m the most hilarious thing she has ever seen in her life. Then she burst into an earth-shaking laughter that got all the heads in the cafe turning to our direction. I instantly wished I was invisible that moment.
But it was a beautiful, magical moment. It was an incredible feeling to watch her head bending backwards to the sound of her laughter resounding on the walls of a coffee shop. It felt wonderful to see a woman laugh because of you or what you did, most escpecially when you actually didn’t made an effort to even crack a joke. It made me proud of myself in an unexplainable way. But more than that feeling of ecstasy, her contagious joy was a double-edged sword to me. It made me content, but it also made me fearful.
I feared losing her one day. I feared of the time when I could no longer see her because we have chosen to go separate ways. It made me cringe at that same moment what it would feel like seeing someone make her laugh that way too. I suddenly was possessive of her; it felt awful to realize that that moment could be the first and last. Her joy is not just a gift to someone, who both feels undeserving of and honored because of it, but it was also a verdict of an impending loss in the future.