I do not intend to write now an article which would generate a hundred or thousand of “likes” and “shares.” Today, I just want to write. I just want to be vulnerable to whatever writing down my thoughts and sentiments could possibly create in my life.
Maybe it is in the atmosphere—the nearing closing of the year 2016. Maybe it is because I have cursed a lot, cried a lot more, and lost a lot lot more this year. Maybe it is because life played a major plot twist in my story. And maybe, but more likely, I had never been more tired, exhausted, cast down, and heavily burdened than this year.
I found myself this year mostly in the confines of my apartment, sometimes wandering aimlessly in shopping malls. I had the blessing of having so much time in my hands now, and yet it seemed to scamper away from the 1st of January until today in a fast-forwarded pace. My life, packaged in 365 days, felt like it unwrapped itself in a matter of minutes. Yesterday, I almost knew everything about myself, but today I have no single idea who I am.
There are so many voices around me telling me to do this or that, not to do this or that. Sometimes, I just really don’t care. On rare instances though, I meet people…and moments, who and which make my life easier to hold. Because most of the times, I just (absentmindedly) slip away from the reality of everydays.
It is difficult to talk about, even write about depression. And I find that it is more difficult to talk about trauma, loss, abuse, and abandonment. My country, the world, everyone else has something to say about it. But hardly could anyone actually hit the target—that is, to free people from the oppressive and debilitating effects of being tortured by voices in your own head.
But I found one, which so far, has not let me down. It is the companionship of God—the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. I have long abandoned the promises of religion; religion can not save a person’s soul. But God, He can.
He can because He understands. He can because He knows how. He can because He loves—no other religion has a god who loves unconditionally, who rebuilds, who restores, who redeems. And no religion has a god who is a father to the orphans, who takes His children under His refuge and secures them with love.
I was asked about the difference of being a born-again Christian from other religion. I could not answer immediately, because I was figuring out if I should be talking about theology or doctrines or the whatnots. Christianity is a state of the soul—whether it would be in life eternal or death eternal. It is a relationship—the most important in life. It is a redirection, from a self-centered life to one which is abandoned to the mighty works of God.
And rising up from depression as a victor is one of God’s mighty, mighty works.
Depression is difficult; it is a struggle. You can never tell if it’s gone away for good. But it is not a forever thing. There is nothing too messy and fucked-up in depression that God cannot handle. He is not even intimidated by it. He does not step back from you when you’re acting like a monster.
In fact, it was during my ugliest, filthiest, and worst state when God displayed His great, great love. He stepped forward. He moved nearer. He pulled me into an embrace. And told me, “It is okay. There is no need to feel ashamed of it. I am here, I will protect you. I will be with you even in the messy parts.”
I do not know how to wrap up this piece. But if you experience the same feelings of loss, emptiness, anxiety, trauma, or whatever it is, I want to share this prayer you can speak from your heart:
“Hi God. I don’t know what to do. With my life. With myself. With all this mess. I don’t even know how to come to You. But right now, I want to be vulnerable to You, to what You can do in my life. I trust that nothing is impossible to You—You even called light from nothing; You can do the same in my scars. I pray that You silence the voices in my head, the monsters under my bed, and I ask for Your peace to penetrate the deepest parts of my exhausted heart. In the sweet name of Jesus, I believe and pray. Amen.”
With much love and hugs,