The Heartbroken Journal: Happiness is Not a Destination

Day 2
15:33

“Ate Jem
Merry Christmas
&
Happy New Year
Inorder ko pa sa Lazada kaya na late”

I woke up from my youngest brother’s nonstop knocking on my bedroom’s door. I got up groggily to unlock the door, went back to my bed to sleep again just as he entered the room. He was handing me something, “a gift” he said, wrapped in a paperbag.

I was curious and confused at the same time. I just woke up and I cannot process what is happening. I somehow managed to think it was just a prank and told my brother that he’s just bluffing. He was laughing and kept on telling me that it was indeed a gift, something he ordered online. “Well, gift or not, it doesn’t matter, I just want to go back to sleep,” I thought. I placed the gift beside me and was about to lie down, when he urged me to check it and see for myself that he was not bluffing. And true enough that curiousity kills the cat, I opened the bag.

. . . . .

There were two packs of puto in it—in colors of white, orange and violet. Not the usual puto I love to eat, but nevertheless, they were puto. So today, first thing in the morning, God made me happy. And as I write about this momentous event in my life, I am thankful that God knows me so well—He knows my simple joys, my love languages, my needs. He knew that I needed to smile and laugh after a night of tears, so He gave me my favorite Pinoy delicacy on the first few minutes after I opened my eyes in the morning. I didn’t ask for it, didn’t even know I needed it to uplift my mood, but He knows and He gives it.

rawr.

I have been moving all around the house all day—doing our laundry, folding our clothes, cleaning the kitchen, putting things in order in our living and dining area. I will my heart and mind to dance along the music of saxophone in my playlist. And for the second time this day, God made me happy again. Because saxophone. As my heart lovingly responds to the beautiful music coming from this amazing musical instrument, I am flustered in bliss as God shows me in so many beautiful ways how I am remembered, loved, valued, and prized.

When I can no longer bear to look at myself and my pain, when I can no longer believe the worth I once knew about myself, there God comes and shows me that I am wrong again. I am wrong again because I am looking at the wrong people, looking again with the wrong mindset, looking again through my nearsightedness and shortsightedness.

When the man I love and I last talked, he told me to look at him when I speak. I can hardly do it because I knew I would cry at the first second I look at him. Looking at him opens up everything in my heart, and they would just explode and lie scattered on the ground, waiting but will never be picked up by him. Looking at him would also mean seeing the truth in his eyes. As much as I would like to know about it, I also feared on what I might see. I feared to see that he still loves me the same, or that he no longer loves me the same way he has always loved me. I cannot bear to face the unknown, so I didn’t look at him as I speak, letting the unknown to remain as it is.

But God is different. When he tells me to look at Him, I can’t help myself to bring my gaze on Him. I cannot stop my head from turning itself towards where He is, so that I would know the truth—even if it would hurt. I want to know what is in His heart, to see what He sees in me and in this situation. As I slowly take my steps towards Him, I told Him that I want to learn to trust Him on this, even as I anticipate the pain accompanied in the decision to follow His will.

awp.

I do not know yet the answer to the question on why the man I love and I didn’t work out. I do not understand so many things right now. I cannot even understand why God brought another man to journey with me this year while I crawl my way out of depression and heartbrokenness. I do not understand yet the exact purpose of why these things happened to me; they loosened my grip on my own life. I am spinning wildly, unable to hold the reins of my heart so that it would calm down. None of these events ever occurred in my imagination, dreams, or visions in life. Everything is a surprise, and time could only tell whether these are just beautiful surprises in disguise or not.

awtsu.

Another thing I am learning to appreciate right now is the spectrum of human emotions. For a long time, I have despised falling in love and getting broken after it, simply because they make me do and write crazy and cringe-worthy stuff. I shiver and get nauseated when I reminisce the feelings and read my past journals.

But now, I embrace the emotions flowing out of me. I am a romantic after all—I am now taking my time to swallow it (hahaha!). I want to look back and see how much I have grown as a woman who does not find the need to deny herself of her natural inclination to feel deeply, to love and hurt deeply, and to love again in a brand new and deeper way than before.

theheartbrokenjournal_preciousjemwrites-gif

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