The Heartbroken Journal: Walking Away

Day 3
3:15 AM

My gums bled. I didn’t notice how hard I was brushing my teeth. I gargled water, ouch—a mouth ulcer. I think I need to take religiously my vitamin C now that I am having an additional stress in my life (haha).

My aunt says that I got a bit thin. Whether it is because of me having a bit of water therapy here, a bit of workout there, and a bit of my heart—wait, scrap that, a large portion rather—getting broken, I am actually doubtful that I indeed got thinner at this point of my life. #comfortfood

. . . . .

I am sleeping late for yesterday and too early for this day, because watching two movies consecutively does that. Transformers and Suicide Squad. So now, I want a Bumblebee in my life and the accuracy of Deadshot.

As I got my ass off from its bum life on the sofa, it hit me again—I miss him.

Damn, baby. Now y’all people out there who got their hearts broken, I know you’d be lying if you didn’t want for a moment to linger on such thought, even for once in your moving-on process. So as for me, I wanted to stay for a little while longer…

. . . . .

I closed my eyes, opened it immediately and told myself a gentle and yet firm “No.” Push it back, dear. Do not let it in again, honey. So I pushed it back and walked away. I closed the door and walked away.

I walked away. Wow, that is swell. I can hardly believe I am saying it right now. Me? The one who walks away? Uhh, no honey. Not me. Not so typical of me. But I just did. It feels like betraying myself—I don’t walk away, I fight.

But now, I choose to walk away instead. I chose to distance myself, finally maybe, from the pull of getting hurt again. I am taking my first steps of walking away from grief, because while I was brushing my teeth a while ago I had an epiphany: God is dealing deeper heart matters in me. And He is doing the same in his heart. God is working, He is moving in both of our lives, but separately.

And as much as how it hurts to hear, the truth is: it is not yet time for us. Whether it is for us to be together or for us to wait for one another or not at all, it is not the main issue here. It is not yet the season for whatever we are—but most likely, what I am—forcing to happen. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but my ailing heart needs it to heal.

Mahirap ang relasyon na ipinilit lang. Lagi kang manlilimos ng pag-ibig” —R. Molmisa

. . . . .

3:47 AM

Panindigan mo ang pagmamahal mo sa kanya: ibigay mo sa kanya ang kalayaan na maging masaya nang wala ka sa buhay niya. Hayaan mo siya. Mahal mo siya diba? Wag mo siyang angkinin kung ayaw niya, kung di naman siya ibinibigay sa’yo ni Lord ngayon.

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3 Replies to “The Heartbroken Journal: Walking Away”

  1. Ang swerte ng mga lalaking minahal at patuloy na minamahal ng mga ganitong klaseng babae. Pero gaya nga ng sabi ni Naz, wag nang ipilit.

    Sa lahat ng nag-mumove on, malalampasan mo din itong stage na namimiss mo siya at umaasa kang baka naman in the end eh kayo din talaga. Malalampasan mo din yan until such time that you feel like throwing up whenever that idea comes to your mind.

    Cheer kita.

    Liked by 3 people

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