The Heartbroken Journal: The Karel of My Life

010417: Day 7

Today, I don’t feel well. I am nauseated and have been experiencing epigastric and hypogastric pain. I’ve been lying on bed all day, literally. I just slept, dragged myself out of my bedroom in the morning and lunch to the kitchen to eat meals. My plans for the day did not saw themselves done.

My mind has been meditating my encounters with God yesternight in our church’s prayer and fasting. Now, as I read Ronald Molmisa’s Lovestruck: Sakit No More edition, I am thankful that God does not forget what He says. Everything I need to hear, accept, and understand, God showed me through that book. I am finally moving forward…

. . . . .

I am reminded of Genesis 1:1—that God is the God of beginnings. He is never unaware of my life circumstances. He sees me through the seasons. He is never shaken or intimidated by my frailties. He sees me beyond my mistakes, sins, and even disobedience. When R. Molmisa mentioned that emotional recovery begins in the spirit, I could not agree less. The moment I decided to bring my emotional trauma and stress to God and allow Him to work in me, was the only moment I started to experience peace and hope for my life. In fact, last night I was deeply joyful and grateful (again) for the man God has prepared for me to be my husband—the man in whom I will be proud to be called his wife, the man I intend to serve and love faithfully for the rest of my life, the father of my future children, the wonderful person I will partner with to pursue God’s calling in our lives.

first.

When I was in the ruckus of depression, I was numb to God’s presence and anything related to Him. Emotional pain broke my heart and allowed me to hear God again, to respond to His love again. Though the pain wrecked my heart, God used it to awaken my spirit and bring me back to His arms. Once again, I found myself craving for His embrace, for His word, and now starting to actively seek and pursue Him…finally.

second.

When I was in the bargaining stage with God—trying to convince myself and God why I should keep the love I have for the man I (once) loved, I would always find myself in a dead-end. There is no escaping from the hard truth and reality that everything is over—I have to let go and move on. But I didn’t want to because I find no compelling reason to do so. As far as I am concerned, I believed that I loved genuinely and that it should not be wasted, especially not in this way.

third.

But last night, the reason became clear. Because Jesus. He is worth the pain of letting go. The opportunity to know Jesus deeper, in the midst of pain and loss, is far more worth it than holding on to a love that is blocked and left alone in a corner. As what the apostle Paul said in Philippians 3:8, “Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of Christ Jesus my Lord…”

Contemplating on this revelation, I was brought back to one of my favorite letting-go stories: Corrie ten Boom’s. This amazing woman once loved a man named Karel, but they didn’t end up together. Her father, so full of wisdom and love, told her this:

“Corrie, do you know what hurts so very much? It’s love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain.

“There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel.

“God loves Karel—even more than you do—and if you ask Him, He will give His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way.” ♥

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