020117: Day 35
Today is one of the days when I feel that I have completely moved on. Today is one of the yesterdays which would vanish at once because the day after it, I would find myself missing him sooooo baaaaaadly.
But today is different, because I’m writing again. It’s been weeks since I last wrote about him, or about my heartache, or about my thoughts drenched with regrets. At this point, I am getting sick of mentioning the phrase “moving on.” It’s making my eyes roll because it already sounds like a boring topic. What on earth do I have to move on from?
I now find it funny — to laugh at my drama-filled efforts to move on from a heartbreak. It’s amusing to stand from a different perspective and look upon myself dragging herself into wholeness; because now, I realize that I wasn’t actually as helpless as I thought I were. It is true that I was torn, broken, and crushed to the ground. But now, thirty-five days from my brokenness, I realized that the same ground where I bled is the one which nourished me to regain my strength and stand up again.
My heart is dancing-on-air happy because I have found my joy again, that is, in the overflowing love of God. Yes, yes. The uncontainable, unshakable, and indescribable love of God did not only wash away the grief in my soul but poured into me a joy which awakened my heart’s desire to live and hope again. Maybe I am not writing about my heart-brokenness anymore, but also about my depression. And yet, I may be not just telling my story of depression, but also of another greater story which has changed lives throughout this world’s history—the story of God’s rebuilding.
For more than a year, I have struggled with depression and then letting go of my love for a certain man. Maybe it sounds like a cheap story, but then, maybe it really is not. Maybe this story is not expensive, but priceless. And I would like to believe that it is the latter. That it is priceless. Why?
my heart is, our hearts are priceless.
And this is one thing, right now, that I want people who have been broken — by people, by life, by themselves — to know and believe, too. That their hearts are priceless. That God is willing to pay the price to win over our hearts back to Him. When I read The Shack, I was messed-up in astounding ways. I recommend to people who are lost, hurt, angry, broken, depressed, and unbelieving to read the book. God spoke to me through the pages of The Shack and opened my understanding — of Him, of His love, of the reason why Jesus Christ has to come to earth and die at the cross, of how the same pain could build you up. It broke me so beautifully that I knew I would never be the same again once I finish the book.
The love of God — I could not think of anything to start with to describe or explain it. It is real and yet mysterious, too. It defies man’s perception of what it is and should be. Sometimes, it is too profound, and yet it can choose to be tangible, to be experienced, to be relished.
One can search high and low, from the east to the west, north and south, and still never find true and lasting joy. One may reach the ends of the earth, even fly to the moon and the distant planets, but true and lasting joy will never be found anywhere else, except from the very presence of God. Where God is, joy will be there. When one chooses to abide in God, joy will seep through his/her life. When one decides to remain in the place where God is, joy will remain and abound. But where is God? Where is the presence of God?
God is everywhere; He could be right beside you as you read this sentence. He knows our thoughts and the meditations of our hearts wherever we go or hide. He understands our pain and struggles because He is not just in every place of this earth, but He is throughout the history of this world. Thus, you can call out to Him anytime, from anywhere.
The presence of God is in the (yet-to-be) visible heaven above and in the invisible kingdom in our hearts. And yes, that is why our hearts are priceless. Because God can establish His kingdom in it — to be its King and Ruler.
At first mention of God ruling our hearts, it sure does sound scary. I, myself, was terrified at the thought of it. Now coming into the full circle of this article, there can be no rebuilding of our heart — the kingdom laid waste and in ruins — if there is no King powerful enough to restore its glory. The only hope for rebuilding is in the love of God — the only love which restores, transforms, and glorifies.
Will you let Him in?
Featured images by R. Seriban