050617: Day 139
As I scroll through my files, searching for a certain photo I need for a requirement in school, my eyes were pulled into a familiar photo. It is an artwork I found online — a watercolor painting of a couple under the stars. And the file name contained his name. I sighed. My lips stretching into a sad smile.
Memories of him are similar to sandbars. When the gravity of loneliness or nostalgia pulls the emotions towards it, “the sandbar” appears. But unlike before, I don’t get drowned anymore in the never-ending waves of regret, bitterness, and utter sadness. I have learned about the currents, about the weather, about waiting for the right time on when to go out to the open seas. Maybe this is why I can now see the sandbar.
I see it. And I can walk on it. Without fearing the water that might later on rise above me.
I see it. And I can linger on it without being destructed. Over again.
I see it. And I can now accept that whether it stays there in my lifetime or not, I will be okay with it.
But as for now…
I still do miss him.
. . .
Susulatan pa rin kita ng mga alaala
Kakantahan ng pagtatangi
Sa kabila ng lahat
Dahil oo, mahal talaga kita
Ibang kamay na ang mga hawak mo
Iba ang pinili mo
Iba na ang pinaglalaanan mo
Ng atensyon at pagkalinga
Pero tatawanan ko pa rin ang mga biro mo
Sasabihin ko pa rin sa sarili ko
“Hindi kita kawalan”
Sapagkat minahal naman kita nang tunay
. . .
Featured image via talnathan.com