The song, Hills and Valleys, is the anthem of my current season — I am discouraged. I am in a “valley” season: peaking mountains surround and tell me with a roar that things will not get better, wide plains all around scoff at and whisper to me that there will be no end. There is no way out. I am stuck here. I will cry and no one will hear. I will shout and be in utter despair, and no one will notice.
The world around me
I am getting tired of how life goes on around me. I want to leave the social media. I almost despise it. I want to be gone from the system. I want to be unknown. Anonymous. Non-existent. I find no depth in the use of social media sites. It doesn’t connect me to the people I care about in a way so fulfilling to my relationships. It doesn’t serve me, instead I am already serving it.
It tires me to see constant “updates” on my friends’ lives, but I am not even part of it. Everyone just seem to just want everyone else to know what is new in their lives, but never really being intentional in sharing these “blessings” and “experiences” in a personal level. Why would we “share” these when we do not intend to let others celebrate and be part of it in a much deeper level? We just receive superficial praises and affirmation, but never getting any real relationships.
It annoys me now to see posts about singleness and dating relationships. Why are we making these too much of a big deal? Why should there be a comparison between these two? Why should we be interested in the progression or the downfall of relationships? Why should we be updated on it? Why does everyone have to know about it? Isn’t it much sweeter and more memorable if we talk about it over a cup of coffee and sleepless nights?
I feel like giving up. I ask God why I am here. Am I supposed to be here? Why does it have to be this difficult? Why am I having a difficult time learning a new dialect, adjusting to a new culture? Is there something wrong in me? Why does it seem that no one is out there to help me out? Why can’t people be there for me when I try to be there for people? Am I isolating myself, or am I just really alone in this fight?
I haven’t cried for a long time. I don’t even want to think about it. I can’t just cry anytime, I have lots of things to study. My sleeping pattern is a ruckus. I sleep late, I sleep all-night, it seems that sleep is the only thing I want to be fine in my life right now. I just want to sleep in peace.
My heart is troubled. It is breaking apart. It is barely fighting to keep me standing. I am no longer the strong woman I knew myself to be. I don’t have the inner voice cheering me up and encouraging me that I can do this. I don’t have anything within me to keep me going.
Looking for answers
But I know God. I know Him to be real and alive in my life. I know and have experienced that He will never take me to a new place only to leave me alone. I know He will not leave me alone. Even if I feel the opposite.
I look for answers. As I look for a place to hide, a place for comfort, a place to put myself into rest, I find myself looking for Jesus. I am looking for Jesus in a way I have never sought for Him before. I am consciously walking my way towards the New Testament, towards the places in history where He has set His feet upon, towards the mountains, houses, and gardens where He talked and spent His time with His disciples. I am searching for Him with a thirst that cannot be quenched by the people in my life, by the articles in the internet, by words of encouragement. I am desperate to meet Him…right here in the middle of this valley.
I long for Jesus to walk with me in this despair. I long for Him to be beside me in the silent and cold nights when the only sound I could hear is the sighs of my tired soul. I long for Him to cover me from the scorching heat of helplessness in the same way He covered the Israelites with a pillar of cloud on their way to Canaan. I want to see a star-filled sky, even if it would mean darkness is necessary. I just want Him here with me…so that I can hope again.
So that I can cling onto something…again.
So that I won’t find myself giving up in my life…again.
Another parable He put forth to them, saying: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in his field, which indeed is the least of all the seeds; but when it is grown it is greater than the herbs and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and nest in its branches.”
I still believe, oh God, that Your kingdom is still at work in my life. I may feel that nothing grand is taking place in my life right now. There are no breathtaking encounters with You. No overwhelming experiences. Nothing exciting. But You are here—in this very situation where I am at right now. You are present in my suffering and weaknesses. You will manifest in my life in any and every way possible. You will take deep roots in my heart and mind and soul. You will be the glory of my life.
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